Debate Bests!

Best Ridiculousness, Bush: "I guess you'd say, uh... I'm a good steward of the land." Oh, the chuckles. Yes, Dubya, you're practically President Johnny Appleseed.

Best Ridiculousness, Kerry: The four and a half minutes he spent gesturing to his neck and saying "ub... ub... ubb..." while searching for the word "paraplegic."

Best Good Line, Bush: N/A

Best Good Line, Kerry: "The military’s job is to win the war. The president’s job is to win the peace." Very nicely done.

Best Ridiculousness, Bush (Part II): "So, no, I’ll have no litmus test [for Court nominees], except for how they interpret the Constitution." Isn’t that a lot like saying, "I didn’t eat any breakfast, except for that omelet, and the English muffin, and the bagel, and the fruit, and the orange juice"?

Overall, I'd call this one a tie, with a lean toward Kerry that may or may not be the result of my personal biases. Either way, I don't think either candidate walked away with it. Bush, as loathe as I am to say it, seemed a bit more likable than last time, and that's no good for anyone (except, maybe, you know... Bush).

And we thought Dan Rather was bad.

An internal memo written by ABCNEWS Political Director Mark Halperin admonishes ABC staff: During coverage of Democrat Kerry and Republican Bush not to "reflexively and artificially hold both sides 'equally' accountable."

The controversial internal memo, obtained by DRUDGE, captures Halperin stating how "Kerry distorts, takes out of context, and mistakes all the time, but these are not central to his efforts to win."

But Halperin claims that Bush is hoping to "win the election by destroying Senator Kerry at least partly through distortions."

"The current Bush attacks on Kerry involve distortions and taking things out of context in a way that goes beyond what Kerry has done," Halperin writes.

Time's new poll puts Kerry ahead of Bush in likability. How's that for a flip-flop?

(On the other hand, according to "the premier dating service for busy professionals," more people would rather date Bush (49%) than Kerry (33%) or Nader (15%).)

To our loyal and trusty readership: This blog will never stoop to these levels.

"Blogs probably pretty accurately reflect the level of polarization and paranoia and frustration among everyday Americans that the entire campaign reflects," said Vanity Fair media critic Michael Wolff, characterizing the new form of overtly-biased journalism as "the voice of the mob."

And ahead of Friday's second debate between Bush and Kerry, the Internet was abuzz with gossip that the president wore a listening device during last week's debate allowing an unseen puppet master to whisper cues and tips in his ear.

OK, maybe we will stoop that low.

A pretty decent electoral vote map, using regularly-updated polls. Current score: Kerry 280, Bush 239.

(It's also worth noting that in the Hotline's White House Scoreboard, Kerry's now up for the first time in months, leading 245-218.)

JibJab (of "This Land is Your Land"-fame) launches another political groupsing: It's Good to Be in DC.

You know what the say about sequels... (Except 2 Fast 2 Furious, which was 2wice the excitement!)

What's the most foolproof way to ensure that Bush doesn't get enough votes to win?

Absentee voters who have already received their ballots for the November election may have noticed a little something missing from their choices of candidates for president: President Bush and Vice President Cheney.

An oversight in printing left the Republican incumbents off of the ballots, some of which have already been sent out to absentee voters.

The Oklahoma tourism bureau, setting a standard that will reign for years to come, has produced the crappiest (ho!) travel brochure ever:

Oklahoma tourism officials have recalled about 200,000 brochures with images of activities that may have seemed uninviting to some travelers, such as cow manure tossing and re-enacting Confederate battles, officials said on Wednesday.

The pamphlet, called 2005 Annual Events Guide, featured events and activities throughout Oklahoma. It was also riddled with spelling, grammatical and factual mistakes.

Michael Moore, in an apparent attempt to convince people that he's not as creepy as he seems, hands out... free underwear?

I tell them that I may have been the original slacker, and that I do not want them to change their slacker ways. Keep sleeping 'til noon! Keep drinking beer! Stay on the sofa and watch as much TV as possible! But, please, just for me, on 11/2, I want you to leave the house and give voting a try -- just this once. The stakes this time are just too high.

If they promise me that they'll do this, I give the guys a 3-pack of new Fruit of the Loom underwear, and the women get a day's supply of Ramen noodles, the sustenance of slackers everywhere.

Seems Theresa Heinz Kerry was a TV Nazi of the utmost severity, putting even my mom to shame:

"I was a witch with my children, truly, about television," she said. She allowed them just 30 minutes of educational television a day and required them to write a one-paragraph report on why they liked the program.

Laces out! Laces out!

The Persian menace who now sits in prison.

"From Saddam's viewpoint, the Persian menace loomed large and was a challenge to his place in history," the report says.

"This was an important motivation in his views on WMD — especially as it became obvious that Iran was pursuing the very capabilities he was denied," said the report, which found no evidence that Iraq had produced any such weapons after 1991.

Bush's nicknaming, already a consistent source of amusement, comes through again.

President Bush privately refers to French President Jacques Chirac, who bitterly opposed Bush's Iraq policy, as "The Jackass," according to a new book.

Remember when Tucker Carlson would always call Jean Chrétien "John Cretin"? That was pretty funny.

Strip Club Veterans for Truth?

Away from the stage, a less titillating scene was playing out. As customers walked into the club, they were asked to show a voter registration card. The unregistered were sat down and signed up.

The Austin event, Burlesque the Vote, was the brainchild of Audrey Maker, a local burlesque artist and activist, who brought together 14 strip acts, both amateurs and professionals, for an evening of erotica. By 10 p.m. 300 people packed the club.

If I had a dollar for every Republican representative that ought to be arrested... Well, I'd have a lot of dollars.

A bench warrant was issued for U.S. Rep. John Hostettler of Indiana for a brief time yesterday after the congressman failed to meet a deadline for paying court costs in a case in which he pleaded guilty to carrying a concealed deadly weapon into Louisville International Airport.

SNL spoofed the debate last weekend, and I'm finally getting around to blogging it (transcription courtesy of The Hotline):

Lehrer: President Bush, the official position of your administration continues to be that Iraq will hold elections in January. Given the chaotic situation in that country, how will this be possible?
Bush: Jim, our plan in Iraq has always been a 3-phase plan. Phase 1 - invade a country, free a people and remove a brutal dictator. No one will deny Phase 1 was a complete success.
Lehrer: What about Phase 2?
Bush: As we all know, there are those in Iraq who don't want freedom for that country. The Saddam loyalists, the insurgents, the terrorists. In Phase 2, we smoke these folks out by letting them think they're winning, you know? Convincing them that we don't know what we're doing. In other words, lulling them into a false sense of security. And that's where we are right now. Phase 2 - the lulling phase. And despite what our critics would tell you, it's working. Terrorist confidence and morale has never been higher.
Lehrer: And what happens in Phase 3?
Bush: Jim, we're still working on Phase 3. And believe me, we're working hard. Cause, it's, uh, hard work. And we're working hard. Every day. We're working evenings. Ordering in. Working hard together. Now to answer your question, we don't know all the details yet. But basically in Phase 3, we crush the terrorists, and then hold elections so that the Iraqi people can choose their own destiny. Because I believe all people want freedom, don't you?
Lehrer: Absolutely. But when you say, crush the terrorists, how exactly do you plan to do that?
Bush: By working hard. Working Saturdays.
Lehrer: So your plan is to crush the terrorists by coming in on Saturdays?
Bush: If that's what it takes.

I love Christians.

After watching the presidential debate Thursday night, two UNC students ended up slapping each other while fighting over who Jesus would vote for in the election.

An amusing line from NC governor Mike Easley during an education debate:

"If Patrick Ballantine is a champion of education, then Saddam Hussein is a champion of civil rights."

A woman in Wisconsin succumbs to cancer just weeks before the election she's been looking forward to for years, prompting her husband and sons to compose a kickass, if unorthodox, obituary:

Jane was outraged that any politician who would cut back cancer treatment options for Social Security recipients, who would invade a foreign country and then expect her grandchildren to pay the bills, could claim to be a "compassionate conservative." Once he became the nominee, she saw John Kerry as the candidate who would most conserve everything she valued. Jane fought to live long enough to be able to vote this November. To honor her memory, please do everything you can to elect John Kerry.

Word.

An elderly New Yorker, on her way to a Mean Old Ladies For Kerry meeting, is forced to lay down the law:

Linda Fuda, 62, told The Post she was waiting in the lobby of a friend's Central Park West building yesterday carrying a Bush-Cheney sign and bumper stickers when Ruth Spitz, who was also in the lobby, suddenly accosted her.

Spitz told her "get out of here with that trash, you don't belong here," Fuda said.

Fuda answered, "It's not your building, it's everyone's building," at which point, she says, Spitz ripped the sign and threw it down.

"I bent down to pick it up, and she hit my backside with her cane and then she tried to push me out the door." Fuda said.

Alright, kids. Always remember to brush three times a day, floss after each meal, and... there was a third thing... what the heck was it? Something about... Oh, right! Don't stab yourself in the eye with the toothbrush.

A new government study found that about 2,500 people a year are treated in hospital emergency rooms for injuries incurred while using a toothbrush.

McGreevey chooses his words... carefully?

"I have a love affair with the State of New Jersey," McGreevey said before marching with Mayor Bloomberg up Fifth Ave. in the Pulaski Day Parade.

I think I speak for all New Jerseyans when I say, unequivocally, "What the hell is Pulaski Day?"

I guess ACT hired all those felons for a reason:

There are four counties in Ohio where voter registration has exceeded the number of voting-age people, according to 2003 U.S. Census population estimates: Franklin, Delaware, Fayette and Mercer.

An additional 26 of the state's 88 counties have voter registration already exceeding 90 percent of their populations -- and many have stacks of voter registration cards to count.

When you are a real loser, this is what happens in your life.

Workers repairing a home damaged in a tornado discovered nearly two dozen boxes filled with child pornography. The homeowner remained jailed Monday on $96,000 bail.

The seized material - computer discs, videotapes and photographs - filled 20 to 24 boxes, Frederick County State's Attorney Scott Rolle said.

"It was the largest seizure of child pornography I've ever seen," Rolle said. "We had to bring in a pickup truck to get all of it out of there."