Friday, July 30, 2004

The most obvious news of the day.

"I've never seen lines like this before," said Thomas Karanian of Boston, who attended the convention and was headed to San Francisco on vacation. "The airport is a mess."
Left out of the story: Kerry has left town. He took his wife. Shove it.

Presidential politics hits a new low:

"Before leaving his Texas ranch for Washington on Thursday, the president and his wife taped an interview with Phillip McGraw, host of the television talk show 'Dr. Phil.' A show spokesman said it would air sometime after Sept. 13."

Zell Miller, the sequel?

"Tenenbaum has supported President Bush's handling of the Iraq war, embraced efforts to ban gay marriages and opposed partial birth abortion."
What do you suppose attracted her to the Democratic party in the first place? My guess: she's got a pair of these babies sitting in a drawer, just waiting for an inauguration.

Foiling cagey Democrats? Or just trampling the democratic process? Probably the second one.

Terry McAuliffe has a new Nader plan:

"McAuliffe said he plans to send lefty Rep. Dennis J. Kucinich (D-Ohio) and former Vermont governor Howard Dean into those swing states to go after Nader, if Nader does not cease and desist."
That'd be scary, wouldn't it? A Martian and a Vermonster, chasing you around swing states.

No wonder some Iraqis hate us. Ah-nold is taking over Baghdad!

From Drudge, the biggest (and funniest) news from the DNC:

"Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don't see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet.

"No confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons. All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons.

"We need all of them coming down. Go balloons- balloons? What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down! All balloons, what the hell! There's nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down, more balloons. More balloons. More balloons."

Between diaper changes, the pope lashes out at radical feminists.

It said it wanted to "correct the perspective which views men as enemies to be overcome..."
It was also said the pope tried to read the document, but fell asleep and drooled all over his new gown.

The Washington Post uncovers Bush's new stump strategy, reporting that the administration will announce:

"...a reelection platform built around creating jobs and increasing the financial independence of families while making the nation safer and the world more peaceful."
Novel ideas, all. Sure, the skeptic might ask, "How's he planning to create jobs and make the world more peaceful?" But it's quite simple: he'll encourage employers to institute worker-friendly flextime policies. If that's not a bold plan, I don't know what is.

Pretend National Security Advisor Nancy McNally writes about the "Clinton/Obama twist."

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Was Kerry really sweating a lot, or just drooling all over his chin?

What other country would Jon Stewart feel comfortable living in?

"I wouldn't mind living in Canada, because there I'd be considered a thug, like a tough guy. They're so polite. 'That's a really nice coat. Give it to me!' They'd be like, 'OK.' No, I like it here. It's nice. We have a lot of accessible snacks."

A triple-dog dare? Oh, well, why didn't you say so? Carry on.

Beware of the big beautiful women shoplifters of South Africa.

"Size is a factor in that they use it to intimidate the staff," he said, adding that the women operated in gangs of between four and 10. Read said "several arrests have been made but some of these women are still at large."

Still at large. Get it?

An amusing article (the most amusing ever?) about superlative-happy Terry McAuliffe:

As he will every night this week, McAuliffe will subsist on two hours of sleep. But it will be, in his words, "the greatest two hours of sleep in the history of sleep." He will also introduce, at a luncheon, "the greatest international president of any international president in the AFL-CIO" (AFSCME's Gerald McEntee). He will take "the best elevator ride of his life" with a group of delegates at the FleetCenter ("I gotta get me one of those cheese hats!"), will suck on "the greatest throat lozenge ever" and consume "the most fabulous lobster roll ever" before giving a speech welcoming delegates to the FleetCenter -- a speech that will no doubt go down as the greatest speech in the history of political oratory, if not the pinnacle of all human achievement.

A good excuse for all the high schoolers.

The number of U.S. teenagers skipping school for fear of getting hurt climbed over the past decade, even though violence in schools actually declined.

"Uh, no mom, I swear it's not the calculus test. Or that art project. It's that big bad bully, uh, Frankie. Yeah, that's it."

Ben Affleck stretches his vocabulary:

"On MSNBC, Affleck tried to pump up his credibility by using big words. He spoke of 'political pablum' and 'agitprop,' and used the word 'specious' -- twice. I had to look up 'agitprop.' To my utter disappointment, I think he used it correctly."

Great blurb, from the Hotline:

"Number of words in Sharpton's remarks, as prepared for delivery: 943. Number of words in Sharpton's remarks, as transcribed: 1879."

This is why I love Pennsylvania: a presidential candidate and his running mate are coming to Scranton, and who makes news? Their "special guest."

John "My Hair is Awfully Long, As If I Were Taunting Dick Cheney" Edwards asked the crowd a question:

"And what's the first thing to go [when you're living paycheck-to-paycheck and something goes wrong]? What?"
And then he waited for a response! Oh, to have been on the floor... "The vacation home!" "The Cristal!" "The second hot tub!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Billionaires for Bush parade in Boston.

There has never been a better administration for billionaires. The loyalty to the super-rich is wonderful. The Bush administration is willing to completely disregard the needs of the little people," said Mimi Nottieu, a "spokesbillionaire" for the group.

Wearing an evening dress and tiara, Nottieu marched with 150 other "billionaires" all dressed to the nines in tuxedos, top hats, and other formal wear. As they chanted "We’re here, we’re rich, get used to it," they carried signs such as "Widen the Wealth Gap" and "Corporations Are People Too."

What else can I say but hilarious?

No Blood for Oi.... I mean No Blood for Lions!

Proof of soldiers' animal-loving instincts are evident in the hundreds of stray cats and dogs that servicemen and women have shipped back to the United States as family pets.

Yes, we are horrible savages. Michael Moore was right. He's so smart, we're so dumb. Thank you bearded, hat-wearing Flint fat man.

Kerry seems to already be slip slidin' away.

"I think that one can argue that the more voters get to know John Kerry, the less they like him," Miss Iverson said.

Rule 1: No one deserves to be President who plays "Johnny Be Good" at his convention. Rule 2: Re-read Rule 1.

Al Sharpton rocks the Fleet Center, but really doesn't seem to make much sense.

"Look at the current view of our nation worldwide and the results of our unilateral foreign policy. We went from unprecedented international support and solidarity on September 12, 2001, to hostility and hatred as we stand here tonight."

Hostility and hatred? Sure, the Syrians and Iranians and Egyptians don't like us much, but hey, at least we got the French! Oh, wait.

Swifty the Donkey Delegate makes the 942-mile journey to Boston, only to be turned away by the cruel, cold-hearted "security" guards. Poor donkey bastard.

CNN manages to avoid being distracted by real news, and uncovers Hogzilla.

Saddam is stroking out, what a shame.

"We also think an attempt may be made on his life. We're very worried that we won't have a client to defend."

Let's just say it's not looking good for ole' Saddam. Wait, let me grab a Kleenex.

Fun Republican Fact of the Day: Trent Lott's first name is Chester.

For your gambling pleasure: a quick list of odds for Wednesday's speakers. Odds that...

  • ...we hear that Edwards' father worked in a mill: 1/6
  • ...we hear it from more than one speaker: 1/2
  • ...the players in the Young Republicans' drinking game -- wherein participants take a shot at each mention of John Edwards' father's occupation -- will run out of alcohol before John Edwards takes the stage: 3/1
  • ...Al Sharpton makes a joke about hair: 4/3
  • ...Dennis Kucinich admits to being a Martian: 17/2
  • ...Ed Rendell smirks: 1/1

Theresa Heinz Kerry, it would appear, shares her husband's propensity for flip-floppityness, "diasvowing" a cookie recipe that her staff submitted to Family Circle magazine last month:

"Mrs. Heinz Kerry had originally submitted a recipe called Yummy Wonders, but, according to Family Circle, its test kitchen said the recipe did not work. When the magazine called her press office and asked if there had been a mistake, the press office sent the pumpkin cookie recipe without consulting her, said her press secretary, Marla Romash."

How does a cookie recipe "not work"? I could see the test kitchen saying, "this recipe makes some crappy cookies," but "this recipe doesn't work"? "We tried everything we could think of -- short of putting them in the oven -- but no matter what we did, they just wouldn't change from dough into cookies. We, the test kitchen, are stymied."

I hate to post something without commenting ironically, but Obama's speech was really just too good to let pass:

Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope. I’m not talking about blind optimism here—the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don’t talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I’m talking about something more substantial. It’s the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker’s son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too.

Blue or Red, you have to admit that the man can work a crowd.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Dubya leaves Washington, ducks into a phonebooth, transforms into President Workingman:

"You see, if you can't raise enough by taxing the rich, guess who gets to pay next?" Bush asked. "Yes, the not-rich. That's all of us."

Ben Affleck waxes more poetic than even Saddam:

"[Vanessa Kerry] looks, with her flaxen hair, almost like a Nordic milkman's child."

Kerry's no Lynn Swann, but at least he can ride a bike.

Somewhere, a speechwriting angel is getting its wings:

"We meet at a moment of great peril, but also of great hope. Together we can widen the circle of opportunity for all Americans, transcend our differences and divisions, and give our children a safer and more secure future. That's the promise of America. And John Kerry will renew that promise. He will lead the world, not alienate it. Lower the deficit, not raise it. Create good jobs, not lose them. Solve a health care crisis, not ignore it."

Monday, July 26, 2004

A long article about next-generation nonlethal weapons, which include the M.D.S., or Mobility Denial System: "It's like a thick goo. Any area sprayed with it instantly becomes impassable." Seriously.

Barbara Ehrenreich calculates that "by the year 4004, every square inch of the United States will be covered by [Wal-Mart] supercenters, so that the only place for new supercenters will be on top of existing ones."

George McGovern uncovers the reason for his loss:

"I also hope, based on my sad experience in 1972, that our nominee will give his acceptance address in prime time so the TV audience will be as large as possible. I gave my address between 2:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m. Not a good idea."

Yeah, George, that was it. Speech-timing.

Saddam is a poet, but he knows it.

"He is looking after a few bushes and shrubs and has even placed a circle of white stones around a small palm tree," Amin said.

Amin added, "He is also hiding a canister of nerve gas in his ass. But I couldn't pry it out. Oh, and he's using Uday and Qusay as fertilizer."

Republicans reach out to the "minority media":

"A room with two computers and a 'Viva Bush' sign on the wall is set aside for working with minority media outlets such as Spanish-language Telemundo and Black Entertainment Television."

Like the minority media cares what the RNC has to say.

Here is the t-shirt for all Democrats' shopping needs in Boston this week.

Planned Parenthood is proud to offer yet another t-shirt in our new social fashion line. Order yours for $15 each.

Planned Parenthood. Yummy.

Media finds they might be in the toilet. How sad.

"That's absurd," said Jim Drinkard, a political reporter for USA Today, when he heard of the ratio of toilets per media member. "This is not the type of planning you'd expect out of someone trying to be a good host." Drinkard is also the chairman of the Standing Committee of Correspondents.

Looks like Drinkard will have to do a lot of standing.

Diddy inspires! The St. Louis Dispatch reports that Nelly will step in to help his grandfather keep his committeemanship, but the learning curve may be steep:

"So far, Nelly's only political experience is as the self-proclaimed mayor of 'Nellyville,' the urban utopia he sings about in the song and album of the same name."

Dubya takes time out of his brush-clearing to call Lance awesome, but speculation flies about His Awesomeness taking some time to focus on other races, which leads me to ponder: who's the lamer duck? The Miami Dolphins without Ricky Williams, or USPS/Discovery at the Tour without Lance?

Tom Vilsack's wife Christie must hate the Sopranos:

"Vilsack wrote that southerners seem to have 'slurred speech,' wrote that she'd rather learn Polish than try to speak like people from New Jersey, and wrote that a West Virginian waitress once offered her friend a 'side saddle' instead of a 'side salad.'"

A side saddle!? Surely not!

Time to get back on the snowboard, John.

"His righthanded throw -- practiced in recent days with aides -- came up short, skidding into the dirt before home plate and bouncing off the chest of his catcher, 23-year-old Massachusetts National Guardsman Will Pumyea of Woburn, who served in the military police in Afghanistan and then for six months last year in Iraq."

W Ketchup: a preposterous idea that's just clever enough to make me wish I'd thought of it myself.