Problem 1: President Bush, reeling from the recent withdrawal of Rambo's name from consideration, is left without a Secretary of Homeland Security.

Problem 2: The Yankees are facing a trillion-dollar contract dispute with their admittedly-steroid-using first baseman.

My dreams were apparently more productive than usual last night, because I woke up with a two-birds-with-one-stone solution to both of those problems sitting on the tip of my tongue: Jason Giuliambi.

Very nice Bernard. You can't even keep your own house, and you want to run Homeland Security.

Jackass.

The Salazar brothers will be car-pooling to their new D.C. offices. How adorable.

The Democratic brothers have rented an apartment on Massachusetts Avenue and are preparing for their new jobs. "I think we can get along," John Salazar joked Thursday. "Maybe he'll give me a ride up to the Capitol each day."

You Might Be a (Bad) Redneck if...

Some of that whiskey, Johnson said, ended up in the hands of her grandson, who got drunk and vandalized his own truck the day before the election.

Britain's Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents releases a list of guidelines for hosting a safe office holiday party. Included:

"Resist the temptation to photocopy parts of your anatomy. If the copier breaks, you'll have Christmas with glass in painful places."

Sage advice.

Amusing back-to-back headlines on CNN.com:

"Rock guitarist among 4 killed in club shooting"

"Boxer Tyson arrested outside nightclub"

Great quote from Tommy Thompson last week:

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do."