Saturday, August 14, 2004

Jim McGreevey as gay American hero.

It was encouraging and heartening, however, that my fellow New Jerseyans — even while reeling from the shock of it all — were able to separate the issue of McGreevey's sexual orientation from the political and practical realities that compelled our governor's resignation.

But the tolerance and sympathy expressed by McGreevey's constituents is a relatively new cultural development. The governor grew up and charted his career in a world in which being true to his sexual identity and fulfilling his professional ambitions were largely mutually exclusive goals. One can imagine the pain and suffering that could have been spared had that not been the case.
Let us not mention the torment he has done to his two daughters, his two ex-wives and the constituents of New Jersey. Next we'll learn the Democrats have a former KKK member in its ranks. Oh, wait.

Friday, August 13, 2004

I don't want to start a Separated-at-Birth feature or anything, but I pulled this one out of my voluminous personal archives, and I thought it ought to be shared:

We report.

You decide.

FACT: Masters of the Universe went off the air on April 23, 1993.
FACT: "Alan Colmes" first appeared on TV on May 4, 1993.

In Rodney Alexander's absence, the DNC's torch will be carried by an almost-sure winner:

The other Democrat is political unknown Zelma "Tisa" Blakes, who listed "domestic engineer" as her occupation on her filing papers.
Hey, at least she's not a wrestler.

Rod Paige will be the only Cabinet officer to speak during the RNC. Perhaps it's because of his balanced and well-thought-out stance on terrorism.

Does anyone else find it weird that Michael Reagan and Ron Reagan are brothers?

An Alan Keyes fan becomes overzealous in his attempt to make a quick buck.

Call: Jerry McGlothlin (a.k.a. The Napkin Man) at: 630-848-0750.

Humorous CBO Statistic of the Day:

Average tax cut for the top 1% of the population:$78,460
Average tax cut for the bottom 20% of the population:$250

The RNC fires back at the DNC's parade of musical genius by booking Christian rock superstar Michael W. Smith and "country music performers" the Gatlin Brothers. Yeehaw!

Another great reason never to ride in an elevator.

An out-of-control freight elevator zoomed up to the top of the Ernst & Young Building in Times Square yesterday and crashed into the roof, killing a security guard inside, fire officials said.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Kilborn: "Last night, while campaigning in Arizona, John Kerry and his wife Teresa got into a big fight and a group of Vietnam vets said he wasn't even in the area when the fight started."

Ernie Fletcher takes "Mission Accomplished" to an entirely new level.

Jim McGreevey, perhaps emboldened by the overwhelming victory for gay rights (oh, the sarcasm...) handed down this afternoon by the California Supreme Court, resigns as governor of NJ, citing an affair with male aide Golan Cipel.


As a sidenote, here's an amusing hindsight-double-entendre from an Oct. 2002 article about then-liaison-to-the-Jewish-community Cipel:

"'From our point of view, does Golan have good access to the Governor? Yes,' said David Mallach, acting director of the New Jersey Association of Jewish Federations."

National Lampoon spoofs MoveOn's latest ad campaign: "W Stands for Whore."

Three dumbass teenagers get themselves arrested, and then the Secret Service wildly violates police procedure?

"The RV was pulled over near 17th and C streets because the area is a 'no truck' zone. The three admitted having the shotgun. The Secret Service then consented to a search, and that's when the fireworks and marijuana were found."
"The Secret Service then consented to a search." At 17th and C, I think the Secret Service ought to be allowed to search an RV that had an unregistered shotgun in it, consent or not. But if there is consent involved, wouldn't you like to think it'd be the truck owners giving it?

Tom Ridge, clearly not the world's best delegator, personally reviews the security measures at the Iowa State Fair.

Quinnipiac puts Kerry up by the margin of error in Florida. A suggestion: everyone releases numbers for RVs and LVs - they're old, and boring. I call on paradigm-shifting, mold-breaking, outside-the-box-thinking Quinnipiac to shift the paradigm, break the mold, think outside the box, and (at least in Florida) release numbers for EVs, too. "Enfranchised" voters. For the sake of accuracy.

Lazy monekys turned diligent through the magic of science. There's hope for me yet!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

John Kerry in a desperate attempt to win California, New Mexico, Arizona, and hell, the rest of the country with this classic American t-shirt.

Generously cut black T shirt with, "Estados Unidos, Estamos Unidos" above a stylized flag design.

Alan Keyes joins John Ashcroft and Colin Powell on the Big List of Republicans Who Have Embarrassed Themselves by Singing Publicly. God bless 'em.

When woman and couch become one.

Using planks, they loaded the woman on to the trailer, still attached to the couch. Removing her would be too painful, since her body is grafted to the fabric. After years of staying put, her skin has literally become one with the sofa and it must be surgically removed.

Porter Goss gives a nuanced position on his own qualifications for the CIA:

"I am not qualified."

Newsday profiles the eldest Heinz boy, Johnny, who "fabricates custom-made historical arms and armor... teaches meditation... and sometimes wears a workman's kilt." Seriously.

Declaring victory in the War on Traffic Fatalities, the Bush administration takes credit for the first drop in highway deaths in six years:

"With the Bush administration's unprecedented focus on safety, we have reduced the number of trips that have ended in tragedy," Mineta said.
Unprecedented focus on whatnow?

Has anyone else noticed that about 20 seconds into the new BC04 commercial ("Solemn Duty"), when Bush says "We must do everything in our power," Laura looks at him like he's gone slightly 'round the bend?

Here's a fun game: How many Reform Parties are you worth?

Your net assets:_____
...divided by...
The national Reform Party's net assets:$18.18
The number of Reform Parties you're worth:_____

Nothing is more appropriate than Homer winning an Emmy.

Lynne Cheney's 1981 novel, "Sisters" (out of print and carrying "an asking price of $2,999.95 to $25,000"), features such thrilling plot devices as...

"...fornication (the heroine with her late sister's husband), incest (half brother knocks up half sister), adultery (the heroine, with her first husband's friend), contraception (by the wed and the unwed) and lesbian couplings (the heroine's sister and an older woman). And incidentally, lynchings, dogicide, cattle theft and robber-baronism."


"Gary Walby, a resident of nearby Destin, told the president during a question-and-answer session that though he always voted Republican, 'this is the very first time I felt God was in the White House.'"

Finally, an answer to the question, "What would Alaskans say if they were confronted with a 50-pound cabbage?"

"Passersby gawked at the competing cabbages making comments such as, 'They're huge,' and 'Good-looking cabbage.'"

Kerry malefactor Jerry Corsi is actually even less likable than he seems.

Florida State House candidate Ed Heeney, on lesbians, who he insists are "ruining" the game of billiards:

"They're not as sweet as everybody perceives."

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

A judge in Virginia has thrown out a lawsuit against a youth nudist camp, ruling that the case became moot when the camp moved out of state to an "undisclosed location." Always on top of such things, Hotline's Last Call! sagely counsels parents: "Think twice before sending your kids to a nudist camp at an undisclosed location."

To find a picture of this jolly fellow.

Patrick Deuel, 42, of Valentine, weighed 1,072 pounds when he was admitted to Avera McKennan Hospital eight weeks ago. Deuel, who is just under 6 feet tall, is on a 1,200 calorie-a-day diet.

Carlos Santana: Bush is a lung?

"He doesn't represent the heart of America. He represents another part of the anatomy but not the heart."

Bad news for all the Earth-seeking aliens of the universe.

The Earth is gradually vanishing from the view of any aliens that might be looking for us, because we are using fewer technologies that leak radio waves into space.

The Cuddle Cult strikes again! What will New Yorkers think of next?

"An introduction to cuddling ensues, first by hugging three people. People then get in a circle on their hands and knees, rub shoulders and moo like cows. After a bit of swaying, everyone falls to their side, which puts them into an easy cuddling position."

Alan Keyes lets fly his inner-historian, comparing abortion to slavery.

Kilborn, a couple of nights ago:

As Bill Clinton's autobiography flies off the shelves in the U.S., counterfeiters in China are making unauthorized copies which contain bizarre changes. Here's the Chinese Bill on his first meeting with Hillary: "She was as beautiful as a princess. I told her my name is big watermelon." And then Monica-gate is summed up like this: "She was very fat. I can never trust my own judgement." The Chinese version also claims Clinton had a three way in the back of a rickshaw. So at least some of it is true... Bill Clinton is outraged by these changes and he scheduled a book tour of Asian massage parlors to clear things up.

Bill O'Reilly and Paul Krugman went head-to-head on Saturday's "Tim Russert" (generic show link). Highlights:

The tail end of a long exchange during which Krugman was able to say no more than two words in a row:
Prof. KRUGMAN: Well, I'm tired of...
Mr. O'REILLY: Look, if you think it's bad, fine.
Prof. KRUGMAN: You know...
Mr. O'REILLY: And if Bush made a mistake in his estimation of job creation, you're probably right.
Prof. KRUGMAN: Look, let's...
Mr. O'REILLY: But you paint Armageddon; so does your newspaper. And it's baloney.
RUSSERT: All right. We need to stop.
Prof. KRUGMAN: Well, this is what--yeah, OK. This is not your show; you can't cut my mike. Look, what...
Mr. O'REILLY: Oh, another cheap shot.
Prof. KRUGMAN: No, I--well, it's true.
Mr. O'REILLY: You know, you're a cheap-shot artist, and you know it.
RUSSERT: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
Prof. KRUGMAN: Good man.

Later on, after O'Reilly has called Krugman a "quasi-socialist":
Prof. KRUGMAN: And you take a look at anything I've written about economics, and I'm not a socialist. You know, that's a slander.
Mr. O'REILLY: I said quasi.
Prof. KRUGMAN: Well, that's a wonderful--then you're a quasi-murderer. I mean, why--what...
Mr. O'REILLY: I'm a quasi-murderer?
Prof. KRUGMAN: Well, quasi is a pretty open thing.

Even later, O'Reilly argues that FNC puts more liberals on the air than conservatives:
Mr. O'REILLY: If you look at the Fox News commentators in prime time, starting with Hume and ending with Van Susteren, it comes right down the line, OK? Van Susteren is a liberal, Colmes is a liberal, Hannity is a conservative, I'm a traditionalist, Shepard Smith is really nothing and--you know, he's just in--a neutral guy, in the neutral zone, and Hume, I would say that he's slightly conservative, but certainly no bomb thrower. All right?

People for the American Way president Ralph Neas on Bush's denouncement of the legacy system:

"That's like a Powerball winner coming out against lotteries."

Rex the Homeland Security Dog tells kids, "Only you can prevent terrorism."

Monday, August 09, 2004

Click the interactive map to see what Al Qaeda wants to blow up.

"We are in the midst of Al Qaeda efforts to attack the U.S. on a scale as big or larger than 9/11," says John Brennan, chief of the Terrorist Threat Integration Center, the interagency operation that consolidates threat information (and produces the Putter).

Alan Keyes hopes to find a conscience in Illinois:

"I must leave the land of my forefathers in order to defend the land of my spirit, of my conscience and my heart -- and I believe that that land is Illinois."