Not exactly a classic (in fact, I think that more than anything else it's just an indication of the writers' desire to burn off the leftovers from this piece from a couple of years ago), but it's from The Onion and it's about John Edwards, so I'd be derelict not to link to it:

"Many bad things are not just bad—they're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."