The Onion: "Republicans Urge Minorities to Get Out and Vote on Nov. 3"

A NY public affairs company has "conducted an unconventional survey" of likely voters:

The survey asked 1200 consumers to associate the Republican and Democratic candidates with popular brands. Likely voters associated Bush with Folgers coffee and Kerry to Starbucks.

Bush was an IBM computer, and Kerry was a Dell. Among undecided voters, Kerry was a Target store, while Bush was K-Mart.

There is not a fan in existence big enough to handle the amount of shit that would hit it if this comes true:

Tuesday's election will probably be decided in 11 states where polls currently show the race too tight to predict a winner. And, assuming the other states go as predicted, a computer analysis finds no fewer than 33 combinations in which those 11 states could divide to produce a 269 to 269 electoral tie.

Damn, this judge is cool.

A judge threw a party complete with balloons, streamers and a cake to welcome a former fugitive back to her court -- and sentence him to life in prison.

"You just made my day when I heard you had finally come home," Criminal Courts Judge Faith Johnson told Billy Wayne Williams, who had been convicted in absentia of aggravated assault after he disappeared a year ago. "We're so excited to see you, we're throwing a party for you."

Amusing Google bomb: "Bill O'Reilly book"

Seriously, how does a guy like Alan Keyes become a nationally-known politician?

Republican U.S. Senate candidate Alan Keyes will not repeat his assertion that more black babies are aborted than born, his campaign said, now that he has been shown statistics contradicting the claim.

Ahnold cracks wise at the Massachusetts Democrats:

"My kids just brought home a beautiful pumpkin, but you know what? I'm going to return it because it's a Democratic pumpkin. It has the orange color of John Kerry's tan, and the roundness of Teddy Kennedy," Schwarzenegger said, poking fun at his uncle-in-law's girth.

Dave Beckwith, a BC04 spokesman in Ohio, waxes diplomatic:

Beckwith admits that the Democrats have registered more new voters than the Republicans, but he says that their work was done by "mercenaries"—and they have "people signed up by crack addicts"—while his side employs volunteers, or "liberty-loving free men." Beckwith then drifts into a reverie about the Battle of San Jacinto and explains how Sam Houston knew that "conscripts" and the forces of "despotism" couldn't defeat free men. The enemy was saying, "Me no Alamo," Beckwith says with a laugh. (At another moment in the interview, Beckwith observes of the Kerry-Edwards campaign offices, "I think they're on Gay Street, which is interesting, because we're on Rich Street.")

Every political office in the United States, up for auction on eBay. (Odds this auction is taken down by the time anyone actually clicks on this link: pretty good.)

A long, occasionally-frightening, often-amusing article about the insanity that is Lyndon LaRouche.

LaRouche maintained that the convictions were engineered to silence him politically and set him up to be murdered in prison. He survived. One of his cellmates was disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker, who later described LaRouche as amusing, erudite and convinced their cell was bugged. "To say that Lyndon was slightly paranoid," Bakker wrote in his autobiography, "would be like saying the Titanic had a bit of a leak."

John Kerry, desperately attempting to make himself less attractive to Democratic voters, has started carrying The Good Book:

These days, he carries a Bible, a gift from former senator Max Cleland (D-Ga.), inscribed: "To John, God has called you to lead. Let Him lead you."

John Thune, continuing his pursuit of "South Dakota Values," places a campaign ad on a gay porn site called "Shirtless Just4U." Oh, the backpedaling...