(And still catching up.) Newsday reported on Wednesday that Hillary Clinton was planning to vote against an immigration bill because of its... Biblical implications?

"It is certainly not in keeping with my understanding of the Scriptures," Clinton said, "because this bill would literally criminalize the Good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself."

Now listen, Senator, I know you're trying to appeal to the heartland and everything, but let's be honest: Jesus was a freakin' scofflaw. Disturbing the peace, public drunkenness, solicitation, being a bit preachy... and I could go on. But I won't.