According to The Hotline:

"If the Washington Redskins lose or tie in their last game before the election, the incumbent's party loses the WH. That has held true for the past 72 years, or 18 elections "

Let's go Green Bay!

"She (Hillary) was as beautiful as a princess. I told her my name is Big Watermelon."

The heady group of people that Opinion Dynamics contacted for the latest FNC - cough, cough, push-poll, cough - survey finds that Kerry wins the "more likely to change positions on the issues" category by a Globetrotter-worthy score of 56-19. You'll have to try a lot harder than that if you want to take this one back, Dubya!

Kerry leads Bush by 10 points in Pennsylvania?

Number 3 on the Top Ten Ways That I, P. Diddy, Am Getting People to Vote (as presented by P. Diddy): "Remember 'Hands Across America'? Yeah, well, we ain't doin' that."

This guy is onto something. My favorite: "485 dead. 2,779 seriously wounded. 3,264 blood-soaked uniforms. And we impeached Clinton over one lousy dress." Take that, conservative freeway bloggers!

Got a suspicious package? Send it to a Republican and run.

The end of yesterday's In the Loop column notes this post-interview exchange between Rumsfeld and a hard-hitting radio host named Blanquita Cullum:

Cullum: "Thank you, Mr. Secretary."
Rumsfeld: "Well, thank you, Blanquita. It's fun to talk to you, and I hope to do it again."
Cullum: "Well, you know I'm one of your big fans. I love you a lot."
Rumsfeld: "Oh, terrific. Come and see us when you're in Washington."
Cullum: "Well, I live here. In fact, I work for the president. I'm on the Broadcasting Board of Governors for you guys."
Rumsfeld: "Well, for Pete's sake, why doesn't [Pentagon spokesman] Larry DiRita get you over here someday?
Cullum: "I would love it because, you know, I'm out there on TV a lot, and I'm one of your biggest allies. I stick up for you all the time."
Rumsfeld: "Good for you. Thank you. I appreciate it."
Cullum: "Take care, Mr. Secretary, and bless you. Thank you very much."
Rumsfeld: "Thank you."

In her defense, "I stick up for you all the time" is actually a common motto among objective journalists. In fact, the Columbia Journalism Review's website calls the phrase "eight little words to live by."

John Kerry is a horny jerk.

PETA hires Playmates to give out free hot dogs. Newt-ity ensues:

PETA, set up on the Rayburn steps at Independence Avenue, countered with a heart-healthy menu of vegetarian hot dogs and bottled water. It drew a lengthy line to its single table, although probably not for the food: two Playboy Playmates were serving up the dogs, wearing bikinis made from lettuce. Vegetarians both, the two buxom beauties, Lauren Anderson and Kari Kennell, were making their third and second appearances at the event, respectively.

PETA's Matt Prescott allowed that the bikinis were actually made of fake lettuce, so there was "no danger of wilting. Otherwise, the line probably would have been even longer."

He said Newt Gingrich stopped by to sample their wares, telling the PETA crowd he "loves veggie dogs."

Sports Gal, on Ken Jennings: "I hope he gets eaten by a tiger."

What defines the South these days? Some classy stuff:

[AR Gov. Mike Huckabee] says Edwards will try to portray himself as a fellow Southerner when he does not hunt, fish, like NASCAR racing or country music.

Do you suppose you have to like all four of those things to be a Southerner? Or will any two or three do?

From Conan last night: an argument between Conan and Arnold (I'll grant you that it's not as funny without hearing the preposterous Arnold-voice, but just try to imagine it):

Conan: Yeah, all joking aside, I think what you need to do to help yourself is apologize to the California Democrats.
Arnold: Hoo-oh! Why just the... why just the California ones? All the Democrats are girlie men. It doesn't matter, even John Kerry is a girlie man.
Conan: Arnold, Arnold. John Kerry is not a girlie man, he's a war hero, he fought in Vietnam.
Arnold: Real big deal. He fought a bunch of guys in black pajamas. I fought the Predator! The Predator! An invisible shape-shifting demon from another galaxy.
Conan: Well wait a minute, wait a minute, Arnold, I hate to differ with you, the Predator wasn't a shape-shifter, the villian in Terminator 2 was a shape-shifter.
Arnold: NO!! Also the Predator did this!
Conan: No.
Arnold: Yah, it would shift its shape. Its shape would shift! SHAPE-SHIFTER!

Kimmel last night:

As you can imagine, some people are upset about this girlie man thing. It's ridiculous. It's like complaining the Phoenix Suns Gorilla threw a banana at you. Of course he's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Of course he will say dumb things. He's a big dumb foreign guy.

Wonkette's posted all the John Moody memos, which include this excellent advice:

Please offer a prayer of thanks for their safety to whatever God you revere (and let the ACLU stick it where the sun don't shine).

Take that, ACLU!

The RNC has announced "a second group" of convention speakers, which includes Rick Santorum ("has worked closely with President Bush on numerous aspects of his compassion agenda"), Anne Northrup ("serves on the prestigious Appropriations Committee"), and former Miss America Erika Harold ("a role model to millions"). Knock me over with a feather.

Jimmy Carter, Mikhail Gorbachev, and a Catholic bishop walk into a bar...

Awesomely amusing dueling op-eds in USAToday this morning. Ed Gillespie promotes his new essay contest, Stand Up and Holla, and Terry McAuliffe argues that the DNC has been "preparing for the 21st century" by building a new headquarters.

Read this op-ed, and tell me Joe Lieberman's not a Republican.

Yoga for Kerry:

"I would give [Bush] an exercise that would open his heart," Joos said. She suggested the "camel pose," which involves kneeling and arching one's back. "It opens up your heart chakra, which embodies your compassion. You can see the other person as yourself."

My favorite of the 2004 Bulwer-Lytton winners:

It was a dark and stormy night - actually not all that dark, but more dusky or maybe cloudy, and to say 'stormy' may be overstating things a bit, although the sidewalks were still wettish and smelled of ozone, and, truth be told, characterizing the time as night is a stretch as it was more in the late, late afternoon because I think Oprah was still on.

An amusing illustration of Big Brother gone awry.

Oops.

WSJ (generic link) reports that Al-Jazeera has been granted a license to broadcast in Canada, despite the fact that FNC has been denied broadcasting privileges for nearly five years. What a swell country Canada is...

LAT asks a burning question:

Ron Reagan's decision to deliver an address at the Democrats' showcase event has left Republican loyalists wondering: Is he an astute activist seizing the moment to promote a cause, or a traitor to his father's legacy?

Or, God forbid, both?

Rick Santorum blathers bombastically on values:

"Our response has to remind the public that Kerry-Edwards 'values' are not mainstream, but elitist," Santorum declared in the July 13 memo, which includes talking points Republicans are expected to use in the next six weeks.

Santorum's memo continued, "My personal values are much more reflective of the American public's, and include not seeing a difference between homosexuality and beastiality, blocking abortion even when the mother's life is in danger, and taxing only those whose incomes are below the poverty line."

To paraphrase Adam from 7/15: NYT already preparing for Bush defeat.

But this year, the 2004 campaign has ruined Mr. Bush's Texas vacation. Or put another way, if Mr. Bush doesn't give up a lot of his summer holiday, the fear at the White House is that he could be on a permanent one after the first of the year.

Colorado couples receive 'License to Love' certificates.

I'm all for pointing out the ridiculousness of not allowing gay marriage, but doesn't this sound an awful lot like one of those last-minute gifts you used to get your mom when you realized at 11am on Sunday morning that it was Mother's Day? "This coupon is good for one week of me doing the dishes every night..."

The 9/11 commission will publish its final report as a 500-page, mass market, available-at-the-local-Borders book. Am I the only one who finds that weird?

Wait... money is an asset?

"But wealth has always been a factor in U.S. politics, starting with George Washington, who was reputed to be the richest man in America. He owned not only Mount Vernon and its slaves but also thousands of acres from New York to the Ohio River, as well as bank stocks and U.S. securities."

More:

Attuned to the risk, Theodore Roosevelt warned his successor, William Howard Taft, to soft-pedal his affection for golf, which was then regarded as a rich man's sport. "You never saw a photograph of me playing tennis," Roosevelt wrote. "Photographs on horseback, yes; tennis, no. And golf is fatal."

"Now watch this drive."

Puts that whole "veepstakes" thing in an entirely new light, doesn't it?

"As far as me and the vice presidency is concerned... I spent a number of years in a North Vietnamese prison camp in the dark and (was) fed scraps, and I don't know why I would want to do that all over again," McCain said at a rally in San Diego.

Howard Dean's wallet was stolen at JFK. No word yet on whether or not it was Ralph Nader. ("Drop out? How could I drop out? We're taking in donations faster than we can process them. My campaign has now raised... $167, plus four punches on a buy-ten-sandwiches-and-get-the-eleventh-free card from a place called 'Grillerz' in Burlington.")

He's at it again:

"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men," Schwarzenegger said to the cheering crowd at a mall food court in Ontario.

So, clearly, the "girlie men" bit is pretty bad. But is it sadder that the governor of Culleyfornia was speaking at a mall food court?

Greenie Barbara Ehrenreich to Nader: "Reform Party? Give it up, loser."

Teresa Heinz Kerry is pretty much guaranteed to be a consistent source of amusement on the trail this season, and God bless her for it:

"I have to say that John Edwards is very beautiful," she said in her trademark stage whisper, as a ripple of giggles spread across the crowd of 5,000 at a fund-raising concert. "And my husband is very smart."

Damned with faint praise, there, Johnny Boy. I guess Botox wasn't quite the "performance enhancing drug" you were hoping it'd be? (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Billy Beer, anyone?

Encylopedia Brown branches out. No case too small.